A year ago I wrote about quitting drinking in my restaurant’s newsletter. In Sober, (scroll down to July 16th, 2024) I laid bare my historical struggles with alcohol, my traumas, and how I arrived at the final make-or-break destination of sobriety. 3 weeks into my profound new lifestyle shift, I sat down and wrote it in an hour at a workspace hotel 2 minutes away from work, uploaded it, and walked back into Mangal II.
Within minutes, it went semi-viral. I never anticipated it to catch on and be shared the manner in which it did. An hour in after uploading it on our website and posting about it on Instagram, I was flooded with DMs and texts. It seems the very open and honest depiction of my journey resonated with a lot of people, which completely blew me away with surprise, as I felt a hint of slight embarrassment as hundreds, if not thousands of people read about my addiction and felt urged to reach out. After 48 hours, I had received 76 private messages, predominantly from strangers, saying how my piece touched them and quite a few opened up about their own difficulties navigating through hospitality and the darkness that prescribes it – the late nights, the drugs, the hangovers.
It was all very overwhelming. Overnight I felt like a mascot for recovery, a spokesman for industry folk who are fighting demons. I was interviewed by various publications, some big names, and many asked questions which forced me to confront the same issues. I tried to embrace this opportunity to speak up, thinking if it even lead to one person to take the brave step and try and turn their life around, it’d be worth it. But such minor fame and exposure does not come naturally to me. I prefer a reclusive life, one away from the limelight. I don’t particularly embrace attention, and recognise I am way more of an introvert than I realise.
But it’s important to step out of my comfort zone and keep speaking up. One year in, I celebrated my sobriety yesterday. It’s a significant milestone and I want to share my experiences as I go along. The following is a smattering of observations and feelings I have gone through in 366 days of being alcohol-free:
1. First of all, I have lost a tonne of weight. Everyone is quick to tell me “Woah, you look so good” (I am not saying this in a vain manner, more so that I am extremely less bloated than before and people are quick to tell me). I always attribute it to not drinking anymore. I stopped craving fry-ups and late bites now I don’t have alcohol running through my veins. This has led to a dramatic slimming – which was completely unintentional as I quite enjoyed my puppy fat.
2. I have more money to buy nice things and go on nice holidays. It’s nice. I don’t wake up the next day and check my Monzo and curse myself every swear word under the Sun for getting rounds in for complete strangers.
3. No longer do I feel like people who I do not like and do not want any contact with to have any ammunition to say bad things about me on account of someone they know seeing me somewhere acting drunk and belligerent. I have regained my dignity. I feel honourable and secure.
4. I am a better father. I am awake and energetic when I’m around my kids, and fully involved in all their schooling and extra-curricular interests. I feel less guilt. I feel present.
5. My personal life is exciting and fulfilling. No drunk arguments. No drama. Just filled with love, respect, trust, understanding, and comfort. I feel very fortunate to experience this, very heard and seen, very happy.
6. I can navigate the no-drinking into my professional life with relative ease. I am around alcohol all-day every day, and don’t feel a single whiff of envy to all those drinking around me. Wine is poured around me all the time. Cocktails slurped. Beers sunk. I couldn’t care less. Good for them! Enjoy. I drank enough for 3 lifetimes; I do not need any more than I’ve already had.
7. I can lie. Working service, I am constantly asked about wines by customers. “Is it dry?”, “How does it taste?”, “Is it mineral?”. I lie. I look at the menu, see which grape it is, remember how that particular grape tastes, and give answers accordingly. I have never been called out or corrected once I give a customer my sommelier’s opinion. I will continue to lie. I don’t care. Also, on this note I want to add that trade wine tastings, which felt impossible to me moving forward, are still conductible when I use the “nose test”. I sniff wines and write down my aroma notes, and more often than not they will reflect the tasting notes my staff jot down. It’s a strange system but it works, there’s a science behind it where the smell should match the taste of a wine, and whilst I don’t partake in the latter, my sniffing is put to good use.
8. My friends still love me, want to hang out with me, accept me. They drink around me and I don’t feel left out. I was initially nervous that I’d be left out, and slowly discarded. Not the case at all. People still find me interesting and entertaining without 2 beers down me – something I did not feel was possible at the height of my alcoholism, but this fear proved completely unfounded. I feel socially at ease and confident, even when surrounded by people drinking all around me. Also, my best friend since childhood – he doesn’t drink. Our relationship is as good as ever. No difference.
9. I have yet to try an alcohol-free wine. First 6 months in, occasionally when I went to Tesco or Waitrose I went to the wine aisle and looked at the special section for people like me. I observed all the spirits and wines with 0% alcohol in them, then out of habit checked Vivino to see if they’re decent, then stopped. I stopped. I thought “What are you doing?” and I stopped. I then asked myself “Do you want to put the taste of wine, of beer, in your mouth? Do you crave it? Be honest now.” No, no I actually didn’t. Breaking old habits are hard, all that muscle-memory. But now I don’t even glance at the shelves.
10. Listen, if I want to drink again, I can. I don’t owe anybody anything. But today, I am over it. In time, that may change – I don’t foresee it changing but life is unpredictable. It could change. And I am at peace with that.
11. In fact, I am more at peace than ever before. My restaurant is struggling financially, and it feels like the world around me is burning, closing in. And here I am, standing, ice-cold, rolling with every punch. I take hits, and hits, and I beat the count. I feel strong and serene, and indestructible. If I were drinking, I’d be panicking right now and close to giving it all up. And I mean all. I now feel in control of my emotions and calm.
12. Everyone has been so, so lovely. So many industry peers have been extremely supportive and have embraced my vulnerability. I haven’t felt alone with my sobriety once. And that’s a testament to the hearts of every kind person in our field, and not least my family too, my friends, my girlfriend. Even my kids, young as they are, they’re so quick to remind me that I’ve stopped drinking. Everyone that matters is rooting for me – how lucky I am.
So that’s it. Sober one year, healthier than ever. If I can do it, you can too.